Wander & Wonder

Recently I have noticed that the harder I try to be happy, the less happy I actually feel. I often fall into the mindset of, If I just do this one thing, or fix this one part of my life, I’ll finally feel good. But then I get there, and somehow, happiness still feels out of reach.

Over the past few months, I have been feeling this intense need to be happy. I read books about how to be happy, make lists of things I think will make me happy, and try anything to create this perfect version of my life. But instead of feeling happy, I just feel… exhausted.

One of the worst parts of chasing happiness is how it makes you hyper-aware of all the things that aren’t perfect. You start to focus on what’s missing instead of what’s already there. I remember one quiet afternoon, curled up on the couch with Ghost, my golden retriever. I had a warm cup of tea, a good book, and no plans—exactly the kind of day I was looking forward to. But I suddenly felt that I was being unproductive. How could I feel happy if I felt lazy? Although I had already done my workout, finished the chores for the day, and did not have anything to work on for school, I began searching for the “best” thing to do. And as you can imagine, a perfectly content moment became stressful in the span of a few seconds.

The thing is, the happiest moments in my life are the ones that catch me off guard, like spilling flour all over myself while making cookies, landing on Tony’s properties while he’s in jail during a game of Monopoly, or watching Ghost play with his dog friends in the park. Those moments weren’t planned. They didn’t happen because I was trying to be happy; they happened because I was just living.

I definitely need to stop treating happiness like a destination and I think I even need to stop making happiness my main goal. It’s not something I can manifest or check off a list. It’s more like a side effect of being present, of paying attention to the things that really matter.

So now what? Well, I am still figuring it out. But at least I am self-aware of this misguided tendency to chase happiness. My new goal is to shift my focus from being happy to being fulfilled. I can’t feel amazing all the time, but rather I can find a sense of joy knowing that life is full of different experiences, and if I just embrace those experiences (whether good or bad), happiness will come as a result of just being busy living life.